Yesterday I had a client cancel their scheduled hot stone session because they found out a man would be their Massage Therapist, and I am trying to work through my feelings on the matter. I was able to blow off some steam by taking a long run, and the view I got lent some great perspective. This is not the first time a client has expressed a gender preference, and it will not be the last, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what drives people to have a preference to begin with.
In an ideal world everyone would feel as though massage is simply a therapeutic, professional experience, and it would not matter whether it is a man or a woman providing the service. Part of my discomfort is that I can understand why anyone cares one way or the other. There is a long history of religious and cultural influences, gender stereotypes, male privilege, and sex work disguised as massage, that all shape our feelings about who performs our bodywork. So long as I am not being personally insulted, I try not to judge someone’s choice. Massage therapy is my passion, and it just sucks when someone is unable or unwilling to receive my services because of my gender.
I am a man, therefore I benefit from my male privilege whether I like it or not. I am more likely than my female colleagues to be seen as an expert and business professional. As a man I am far less likely to be hit on or harrassed, intimidated or condescended to by my clients. There are endless reasons why this client may have decided they don’t like massage with a man. Maybe they like a light pressure and assume a male MT’s pressure would be too heavy. Maybe they were hit on by a male MT and can’t get comfortable with another guy. Maybe they’re a creep. What if it was just a convenient excuse not to come in?
The reason does not matter. What is important is that so many people have discomfort surrounding touch. There is platonic touch between friends and families, erotic touch between lovers, and professional touch like in massage or a medical setting. Preserving a healthy sense of touch is all to do with respecting the boundaries of our various relationships, so even if we use the same exact hand to touch a spouse, or a cousin, or a patient, it is our intention that makes the difference. We live in a world that glorifies sex and violence, while also demonizing them, so it is not surprising that anyone could have negative intentions, or negative expectations, associated with touch.
An ideal world does not exist, but I think we all owe it to ourselves to treat each other with respect, to feel safe, to understand that we are as likely to hurt others as we are to be hurt. I have no illusions that being a massage client is to make yourself vulnerable, and not everyone is ready to trust that I am as professional as I say. The best I can do is continue to serve my clients well, to gently try and convince folks who are reluctant to get a massage with me, and to challenge those who misrepresent my trade as sex work. I promise anyone who spends time in my professional care, my practice is a safe place, and I am here to help men and women alike to feel their very best.
Eddie Teran, CMT 